ugly good food

Bavaria. My homeland. Spectacular mountains, idyllic pastures, fairy-tale castles, romantic cities, quaint traditions, pretzels, Lederhosen, beer, you get the jist.

Yet nowhere else in the world – in the world, my friends – does food look SO bad… and taste so good. Maybe it evolved that way to frighten off predators? Is Darwin’s law at work here? We may never know. All I know is this is food I miss on a daily basis. So in a bout of homesickness, hunger and gluttony, let me present to you the five greatest perpetrators of this heinous crime, of repelling people from their deliciousness with their ugly appearance.

5. Leberkäs

Coming in at number five, it’s Leberkäs, whose name encouragingly means ‘Liver Cheese’. Be not afraid, liver and cheese are not components. It’s a kind of massive sausage – TWSS – and I’m just going to go right ahead and quote Wikipedia here and tell you that it “consists of corned beef, pork, bacon and onions and is made by grinding the ingredients very finely and then baking it as a loaf in a bread pan until it has a crunchy brown crust.”. Om nom nom nom nom. Often served, as you can see above, with potato salad and a fried egg. Considering its relatively bland appearance, this is the least punishable offender.

4. Schnitzel, Kellogs Style

You all know Schnitzel, right? Yes, it’s a real thing. You beat some meat, you cover it in breadcrumbs, you fry it, hey presto you’ve got yourself a heart attack on a plate. Is it possible to improve on this tried and tested recipe? YES! Replace breadcrumbs with cornflakes and it suddenly becomes silly and odd in a good way all at once. They only thing is, it looks like your meal has some skin condition. Not appetizing, unless you know what’s coming.

3. Kaiserschmarrn

I hope you’re ready for more fried food! Bavaria is. Well, many people say Austria is to blame for the utterly heavenly Kaiserschmarrn, but to be honest Austria and Bavaria are like two peas in a pod. Two, deep-fried, butter-coated peas in a beautiful sugary pod. This dessert, which looks like soggy chips after snowfall, is what happens when you make pancakes, tear them into tiny shreds, and – you guessed it – FRY THEM. Dust with icing sugar and gorge yourself.

2. Currywurst

Another three step recipe – don’t you just love the simplicity of German cooking? No bain-maries here. No tender simmer, no artfully cut vegetables. Currywurst is happily exactly what it sounds like. Step one, get a sausage (that’s a Wurst to me), something like a frankfurter would work. Step two, cut it up. Step three, slather it in ketchup and curry powder. Yes, curry powder. Yes, I really mean it. Do it. Do it now.
P.S. Step four, more curry powder. Usually it’s a three step recipe but you’re a novice and you didn’t put enough on the first time.

I. Germknödel

Words cannot describe the infinite glory of the seemingly soggy pile of dough and custard. I dream of Germknödel. Every year I go to Germany, I pretend it’s to visit my 91 year old grandmotehr but really – it’s to eat Germknödel. I can’t get enough. When I die, I want to come back as a Germknödel.

What are they? Well, Wikipedia once again comes to the rescue because I do not have. The words. Here goes: “The dessert's main ingredient is a yeast dough with sugar and fat, usually butter, added to the dough. The dumpling is filled with Powidl, a sweet and spicy plum jam. The dumpling is steamed and then served still hot with either melted butter or vanilla dessert sauce, and topped with crushed poppy seeds and sugar.”

IT IS LIKE NOTHING YOU HAVE EVER TASTED.

Hope you enjoyed that. I know I did.

Images shamelessly stolen from Google.